Coaching requires more than good intentions. After all, you work with people and influence their thinking, behavior, and choices. In that case, it’s not enough to listen attentively or ask sharp questions. The real question is: what is your impact? And do you guide the other person to find their own answers and make their own decisions, or do you (un)consciously steer them in a direction you have already thought out?

These questions invite reflection and introspection. How much time do you invest in that? I regularly make time for it myself because I find it important, but also because as an ICF Master Certified Coach I have to renew my accreditation every three years. That includes earning relevant continuing education credits, keeping up with professional literature, and continuously working on my professional development. So besides valuing continuous development, I am also “forced” to keep myself sharp.

One of the ways I hold up a mirror to myself is by working monthly with a mentor. Together we look at what I do, think, feel, and the impact I have. Sometimes those conversations are downright confronting, but always insightful. And that is exactly why I find them so valuable. After all, in my coaching conversations I always bring myself along. And if I don’t examine myself, my assumptions and judgments become invisible to me and tangible to the other person.

To earn relevant education credits, I recently attended a webinar by Marcia Reynolds on three mental habits that help you, as a coach, create more connection. No new models or tools, but a return to the basics: how you are present, how you respond, and how you hold space for the other person. Three habits that resonated with me, and that I would like to share.

1. First, tune in to yourself

Before connecting with the other person, you need to tune in to yourself. Marcia calls this “align your nervous system.” Being physically, emotionally, and mentally present with your head (curiosity), your heart (empathy), and your gut (courage). Not rushed or distracted, but available in the here and now.

As a coach (and of course as a human being), you immediately feel when you are not well aligned. You listen, but miss the undercurrent. You judge more quickly and ask questions that steer the other person in a certain direction. Your coachee feels this too, because people instinctively sense whether you are truly present or not.

Marcia’s tip. Consciously build in a short pause before starting the conversation. Bring your attention to your breathing, place both feet on the ground, and relax your shoulders and jaw to regulate yourself. Only when you notice your body calming down are you available to the other person, not from thinking, but from presence. These few seconds make the difference between reacting from tension and listening from openness. And that is exactly where real connection arises.

2. Respond consciously, including to your own emotions

One sentence from the webinar really stuck with me: “You coach them to see better, not to feel better.” Coaching is not about removing discomfort, but about increasing awareness. Emotions are signals, and if you dull them, you miss the message.

That requires you to know your own emotions well, to feel them, recognize them, and regulate them. And instead of suppressing them or being overwhelmed by them, to use them by naming them. Not to make it about you, but to serve the coaching process.

Marcia’s tip. If you notice that you have an emotional reaction to what the other person is saying (for example discomfort, irritation, or pity), name what you feel without judgment. For example: “I feel tension, I want to soften this.” By acknowledging it, it loses its grip. That gives you the space to stay with the other person’s experience, without letting yours dominate.

3. Notice your judgment, and let it go

We all judge. The question is not if, but when and whether you notice it. You don’t even have to say anything. A look or a change in your breathing can already be enough to push the conversation in a certain direction.

When you can recognize and let go of your judgment, space opens up for the other person. And also for new insights and a different story. Then you coach not from direction, but from presence.

Marcia’s tip. Do you feel that you have an opinion? Do you secretly think, “I know what’s going on here”? Then pause for a moment and ask yourself: “Can I stay curious, without wanting to fix it?” That single reflective question helps expand your inner space and keeps your judgment from taking the lead.

In closing

These three habits sound simple, but they require practice and honest self-examination. After all, as a coach you are your own instrument. That requires attunement with and for yourself, but even more importantly, with and for the other person.

At COURIUS, we believe in the power of coaches who continue to develop themselves. Not because they have to, but because it is part of professional craftsmanship. Because when you work with leaders or teams, your own inner work is the key to impact.

Curious about how we use coaching in leadership development? Then take a look at this case: https://www.courius.com/en/case-study-leadership-program-cosun/