Toxic Shame: the invisible brake on leadership

We all know the feeling of shame. You say something awkward in a meeting, make a mistake that others notice, or miss an important appointment. You feel bad, vulnerable, and maybe a little embarrassed. All natural. But sometimes, that feeling runs deeper. It lingers. And it starts to affect how you see yourself, your work, your relationships, and your place in the team. That’s when you might be dealing with toxic shame.

In organisations, this form of shame shows up more often than you’d expect. Sometimes quietly, sometimes loud and clear. You might notice people withdrawing, holding back, no longer speaking up. And that has an impact on their leadership, performance, collaboration, and their sense of psychological safety at work.

What is toxic shame?

Toxic shame is a deeply rooted feeling that, as a person, you’re fundamentally not good enough. It’s not “I did something wrong,” but “I am wrong.” It doesn’t help, yet it paralyses. It can show up as perfectionism, silence in group discussions, avoiding criticism, or becoming defensive. In teams, it’s the person who never speaks up, who stays on the sidelines. And sometimes, it’s the leader who gets stuck in doubt or indecision.

How do you deal with it in your own leadership?

Toxic shame doesn’t disappear by ignoring it or pushing through. Especially as a leader, it’s important to recognize when this feeling starts influencing your decisions or behavior. From there, it’s about choosing to respond differently.

What can you do? 5 practical steps:

1. Recognize the pattern.
   Ask yourself: what’s really going on here? Am I reacting to the actual situation, or to a deeper fear of being judged or not being enough?
2. Normalize mistakes.
   Say it out loud when something didn’t go as planned. It shows your team that mistakes are part of the process and makes space for learning instead of hiding.
3. Be kind to yourself.
   How would you speak to a colleague facing the same issue? Use that tone with yourself. Harsh self-criticism rarely helps, however self-compassion does.
4. Ask for feedback.
   Show that you welcome and act on feedback. It signals that growth matters more than being right. Also, it invites others to do the same.
5. Work with a coach.
   You don’t have to figure it all out on your own. Our coaches can help you spot patterns, uncover blind spots, and explore new ways of leading. In a safe space, growth happens.

What if you see it in someone on your team?

Toxic shame rarely announces itself. But you may notice a team member going quiet in meetings, avoiding decisions, or constantly seeking reassurance. It’s tempting to push them by saying “just share your idea!” but that often backfires.

What helps? 5 practical suggestions:

1. Acknowledge and appreciate visible behavior. Don’t just say “well done” yet be specific. For example: “Your preparation helped move the whole team forward.” Small affirmations can ease internal tension.
2. Ask without pressure.
   If someone withdraws, there’s usually a reason. Ask curiously what happened, without judging or rushing.
3. Show that learning matters more than perfection.
   Share your own moments of struggle or failure. It lowers the bar and shows: “You’re allowed to be human.”
4. Build psychological safety in the team.
   Create regular moments for reflection and feedback. Celebrate successes, and talk about what remains unsaid. Need support with this? Our team coaches have helped many (international) teams strengthen trust and openness.
5. Celebrate small wins.
   Give your team member the chance to take small, visible steps forward, as well to celebrate them. Every success, no matter how small, builds confidence for the next step.

In closing

Toxic shame is rarely named directly. People don’t usually say, “I feel ashamed.” Instead, you’ll see perfectionism, withdrawal, or defensiveness. As a leader, you can make the difference by recognizing it in yourself and in others, and by building a culture where people don’t feel they have to shrink themselves to fit in. Where strengths and contributions are seen, used, and appreciated.

At COURIUS, we help leaders and teams grow psychological safety, openness, and confidence. Through coaching, we support you in recognizing limiting patterns, letting go of what no longer serves you, and stepping into your role with clarity and calm. So you don’t have to lead from fear or pressure, but create space where you and your team can truly thrive.

Curious how we do that? Read the case study about our leadership coaching in the Executive MBA program at Maastricht University.

About the author

• 16 July 2025
/ by
• Marco Buschman

I am an energetic and challenging leadership expert, team and executive coach, international facilitator, speaker and author of the bestseller Verbindend Vermogen. I focus on the (further) development of the Connecting Ability (The Connection Quotient) of leaders, executives and management teams at home and abroad. In my performance I tackle questions in a practical and solution-oriented way. Clients describe my style as optimistic, decisive, empathetic, passionate, result-oriented and inspiring.Read more