We all know the feeling of shame. You say something awkward in a meeting, make a mistake that others notice, or miss an important appointment. You feel bad, vulnerable, and maybe a little embarrassed. All natural. But sometimes, that feeling runs deeper. It lingers. And it starts to affect how you see yourself, your work, your relationships, and your place in the team. That\u2019s when you might be dealing with toxic shame.<\/p>\n
In organisations, this form of shame shows up more often than you\u2019d expect. Sometimes quietly, sometimes loud and clear. You might notice people withdrawing, holding back, no longer speaking up. And that has an impact on their leadership, performance, collaboration, and their sense of psychological safety at work.<\/p>\n
Toxic shame is a deeply rooted feeling that, as a person, you\u2019re fundamentally not good enough. It\u2019s not \u201cI did something wrong,\u201d but \u201cI am wrong.\u201d It doesn\u2019t help, yet it paralyses. It can show up as perfectionism, silence in group discussions, avoiding criticism, or becoming defensive. In teams, it\u2019s the person who never speaks up, who stays on the sidelines. And sometimes, it\u2019s the leader who gets stuck in doubt or indecision.<\/p>\n
Toxic shame doesn\u2019t disappear by ignoring it or pushing through. Especially as a leader, it\u2019s important to recognize when this feeling starts influencing your decisions or behavior. From there, it\u2019s about choosing to respond differently.<\/p>\n
What can you do? 5 practical steps:<\/p>\n
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Toxic shame rarely announces itself. But you may notice a team member going quiet in meetings, avoiding decisions, or constantly seeking reassurance. It\u2019s tempting to push them by saying \u201cjust share your idea!\u201d but that often backfires.<\/p>\n
What helps? 5 practical suggestions:<\/p>\n
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Toxic shame is rarely named directly. People don\u2019t usually say, \u201cI feel ashamed.\u201d Instead, you\u2019ll see perfectionism, withdrawal, or defensiveness. As a leader, you can make the difference by recognizing it in yourself and in others, and by building a culture where people don\u2019t feel they have to shrink themselves to fit in. Where strengths and contributions are seen, used, and appreciated.<\/p>\n
At COURIUS, we help leaders and teams grow psychological safety, openness, and confidence. Through coaching, we support you in recognizing limiting patterns, letting go of what no longer serves you, and stepping into your role with clarity and calm. So you don\u2019t have to lead from fear or pressure, but create space where you and your team can truly thrive.<\/p>\n